


Experiment 218: An Unexpected Satellite Tryst

by bevmantle



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Developing Relationship, Flirting, Found Family, Friendship/Love, Hand Jobs, Humor, Joike, Kissing, M/M, Multi, Oral Sex, Penis In Vagina Sex, Recreational Drug Use, Romance, Threesome, Trans Character, and Outdated Memes, terrible puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-20 15:47:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30007197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bevmantle/pseuds/bevmantle
Summary: Jonah emerged from sleep slowly, groggy and not entirely sure what had woken him up at—he squinted at his wristwatch—4:35am. He couldn’t hear anything from outside, so he assumed Crow must have gone to bed. Jonah flopped back and stared at the ceiling. His door whooshed open.Here we go again.Jonah swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat up, scrubbing his face with his hands. “For the last time, what did I say about coming into my room?”“Uh—wild guess here, but it wouldn’t have anything to do with gefilte fish, would it?” said one of the two strange men currently standing in Jonah’s room.
Relationships: Established Mike Nelson/Joel Robinson, Jonah Heston/Mike Nelson/Joel Robinson, Past Clayton Forrester/Joel Robinson (Implied), Past Clayton Forrester/TV's Frank
Kudos: 10





	Experiment 218: An Unexpected Satellite Tryst

**Author's Note:**

> this is quite possibly the first and only serious joel/mike/jonah fic on the internet. thanks so much for being here, remember to keep your hands, arms, and legs inside the vehicle at all times, and i hope u enjoy the ride

Jonah’s arm was about to rip right off. He was standing—barely—on the edge of the desk, balancing precariously as he reached for the Satellite of Love’s high bridge ceiling. He had spotted something up there during last week’s host segment, while Crow had been monologuing about Kim Cattrall. It looked like a little triangle of paper, sticking out from between two ceiling panels.

At first, Jonah had thought he could grab it by standing on the desk, but it was _just_ out of reach. He went to get a chair from the small kitchen area to stand on, but Tom and Crow had repurposed every chair on the SOL for a reenactment of _Les Misérables_ set to a kazoo-only soundtrack. Jonah decided to just give up on reaching the little paper triangle—it was probably just a piece of fan mail that got misplaced, anyway. But forgetting about it hadn’t worked, because every time Jonah was on the bridge, he would see it out of the corner of his eye and the curiosity would eat at him, his brain telling him that _if you reach for it, I mean really reach for it, Heston, you can grab it_ , _and then you can read what it says and you’ll be a hero!_ So, Jonah waited until the bots were busy with something else, and he climbed up on the desk one more time.

Jonah bit his lip as he stretched, the index finger of his right hand ever-so-slightly brushing the paper. _Come on…. Come on…_ He allowed his left hand, which was flat against the ceiling for balance, to drift as far back as he dared. He was so close now, able to touch the edge of the paper with his fingertips.

_Almost, Heston, almost…_

He made a snipping motion with his first two fingers, pinching the surprisingly thick paper between them. He tried to pull the paper out, but his sweaty fingers didn’t have much of a grip. Without taking his eyes off the triangle, Jonah reached down and wiped his right hand on his jumpsuit, then tried again. The paper wiggled a little, but Jonah felt it loosen. On the third attempt, he succeeded in sliding the paper out of the crack just the tiniest bit, revealing the edge of a glossy image.

_A Polaroid? Stuck in the ceiling?_

His curiosity doubled, Jonah reached out one more time to give it the ol’ college try. He snipped his fingers together, careful not to touch the glossy section, and yanked his arm back as hard as he could. With a _shhhck!_ sound, the photo came free of the ceiling, and Jonah whooped, pumping his left arm in victory, also forgetting that it was the only thing keeping him balanced on the desk.

“Oh shit!”

Windmilling his arms wildly, Jonah lost his balance and crashed to the floor. His glasses flew off his face and skittered away. Cambot, startled out of sleep mode by the crash, beeped in gentle distress.

“Fuck!” Jonah said, one cheek mashed against the floor tile.

“Language, Jonah,” GPC said, her head gliding serenely down from the ceiling.

“You were here the whole time?” Jonah groaned, still muffled by the floor.

“I’m always here,” GPC’s eye brightened and dimmed, “but you seemed like you were doing fine, and I couldn’t just leave the controls unattended. Are you alright?”

“Yeah.” Jonah felt around for his glasses, then put them on and sat up. “I’m okay.”

GPC bobbed her head at the Polaroid in his hand. “What’d you find up there?”

“Oh, I dunno,” Jonah said. “I didn’t look at it yet.”

“Well?”

Jonah flipped it over—and immediately blushed beet red, jumping to his feet and pressing the photo into his thigh so GPC couldn’t see it.

“Oh—uhh—umm. This? It’s nothing, G, just—it’s just an old fan photo that someone sent in! I guess, h-ha ha, uh, I guess I went to all that trouble for nothing. Oh hey, would you _look_ at the _time_ I have to go check on Crow and Servo see you later GPC!”

With that, Jonah bolted away from the bridge and down the hall before she could ask him anything else. He reached his room and slapped the door opener frantically, almost tripping over his feet in his rush to get inside. The door whooshed shut behind him and Jonah dove for his bed, pulling the covers up over his head and clicking on the flashlight he kept on his bedside table for emergencies (and the occasional late-night reading session). Jonah took a deep breath, collected himself, and flipped the Polaroid over again.

It was a picture of two men. Okay, it was a picture of two _naked_ men. Okay, it was a picture of two naked men, doing some very very definitely _sexy_ things.

_What the fuck?_

Jonah clicked the flashlight off. Then, after a second, he clicked it on again.

 _Why was this stuck in the ceiling?_ Jonah wondered, his cheeks burning as he stared. The men in the picture were very, very handsome. One was thicker, with lighter hair and a broad build. The other was smaller, but only slightly, with brown hair and a gentle smile. They looked—well. Jonah’s heart thudded in his chest. The two guys looked like—Jonah swallowed—they looked like they were _in_ _love_ or something. Jonah studied the photo, trying to avoid looking at anything besides their faces. _Who the heck are these guys?_ The gentle-looking guy looked kind of familiar, but the lighting in the photo was so bad, it was hard to make out. Jonah squinted, moving his head closer to try and see him better.

“Heeeey, Jonah!”

“Gah!” Jonah slapped the photo down, shoving his arm under the pillow as Servo yanked the covers off him. “Tom! What did I tell you about disturbing Jonah’s private time!”

“Ooh! Ooh, I know this one! Pick me!” Crow’s head popped out from under the bed. “You said…something about goldfish!”

“No, no!” Tom swiveled back and forth gleefully. “It was _gefilte_ fish!”

“What? No!” Jonah sat up, twisting the covers around his waist. “I said, ‘Don’t come into my room if the door’s closed!’ How did you get ‘gefilte fish’ from that? Actually, never mind, it doesn’t matter. Can you both leave, _please?”_

“But Jonah,” Tom said, “This is an emergency!”

“Yeah!” Crow piped up from the floor. “This is life or death!”

Jonah exhaled. “Okay, okay. What is it?”

“Which one of us would you rather kiss?”

“That’s it,” Jonah said, getting out of the bed. “I’m gonna go throw myself out the airlock.”

“It’s because of me, isn’t it?” Crow yelled after him. “It’s because you’re afraid of my beauty!”

* * *

“Really? You’re sure the experiments haven’t driven you over the edge yet?” It was Jonah’s bi-weekly check-in, and Kinga’s chipper voice was, as usual, ever so slightly tinged with desperation. Jonah almost felt bad telling her the truth.

“Well, yeah. I mean, I’m pretty sure,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Uh, I mean, how would I even be able to tell?”

“Oh, you know,” she said, and didn’t elaborate.

Jonah blinked politely. He didn’t know.

Kinga sighed, looking around before leaning in towards the Kingachrome™ Liquid Television screen.

“You _know,”_ she said again. “You would be jittery, nervous all the time…you would doubt all of your own thoughts…and, well, there’s not necessarily any empirical evidence to support this part, but it’s highly likely that you would rethink all your,” she dropped her voice into a stage-whisper, _”sexual preferences._ It happened to another guy, you know. Mitch Nielson, or something like that. He was straight when he started.”

Jonah looked doubtful. “I mean, I’m already gay.”

Kinga clasped her hands together excitedly, then pulled out a clipboard. “Yes! Of course you are,” she said, furiously scribbling notes.

“No, I mean I was already gay when I got to Moon 13.”

“Oh.” Kinga paused, tapping the pencil against her chin. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Jonah nodded.

“Hmm. Well, if you’re sure,” Kinga said, sounding glum.

Jonah shrugged apologetically, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jumpsuit.

“I’m bisexual myself, you know,” Kinga confided.

Jonah nodded. “Nice.”

“Oh, Jonah Heston, things sure could have been different between us,” Kinga said. “If only we had met under different circumstances.”

“Uh, how do you mean?” Jonah tried to sound politely interested.

“I have a feeling you and I might have been pretty good friends,” she said. “Oh, well. By the by, Heston, that reminds me: If you happen to find any photographs around the Satellite, would you let me know? I seem to have misplaced a few pieces from my dad’s collection somewhere in the construction shuffle.”

“Oh, uh,” Jonah felt himself blush. Inside his pocket, he fidgeted with the edge of the Polaroid from the bridge. “What, uh, what kind of photographs did your, um, did your dad collect?”

Kinga smiled. “Vintage pornography.”

By the time Jonah stopped choking on his own spit, the Liquid Television screen was black, and Kinga was gone. Jonah shook his head. He pulled the late Dr. Forrester’s lost Polaroid out of his pocket. He still just couldn’t shake the feeling that he had seen this guy—the brown-haired guy—before. Jonah considered it a moment longer, then shook his head again. It didn’t matter, anyway. Whoever the guys in the photo were, they were probably long gone; and if by some miracle they were still alive, they were very, very far away.

Kinga suddenly reappeared in a flurry of bubbles. “Hello again, Jonah Heston!”

Jonah jumped, reflexively shoving the photo deep into his pocket. “Gah!”

“Out of curiosity,” Kinga said, breezing ahead like she hadn’t just scared Jonah half to death, “How would you feel about some new parameters for our experiment?”

“Parameters? Like what?”

“Oh, that’ll be my little secret for now.”

Jonah blinked. “Uh, well, I’m not really sure how I feel about it, then.”

“Good thing it doesn’t matter how you feel about it, because I have an idea that will blast our ratings through the roof in no time! And hopefully turn you into a gibbering mess in the process.” Kinga clapped her hands together with glee. “Max!”

Jonah heard a series of crashes coming from somewhere off to the side.

Kinga rolled her eyes. “He is _never_ around when I need something, honestly, do I have to do _everything_ myself? Anyway, mark my words, Jonah Heston, things are about to get interesting. _Max!_ What is _happening_ over there!”

Kinga vanished again, but this time Jonah counted to ten slowly, making sure she wasn’t about to reappear and surprise him again. When he had finished and the screen was still dark, Jonah shook his head once to clear it, and headed off the bridge to find the bots. The SOL was near-silent, which meant they were more than likely getting into trouble. Unfortunately, Jonah wouldn’t find out the true extent of the damage until precisely seventy-two hours later, when a storage compartment on the second floor would pop open, littering the entire hall with confetti, streamers, and three hundred eighty two Purina® Beggin’ Strips® Bacon Flavor Dog Treats, which Tom had been using to bribe M. Waverly into helping him throw a surprise birthday party for his second-favorite pair of underwear. 

* * *

A week or so later, Jonah had all but forgotten both the photograph and his conversation with Kinga. The Beggin’ Strips® had long since been cleaned up, and Waverly had more or less been broken of his dog treat habit. It was the middle of the night, and the inhabitants of the SOL were either sleeping or recharging, except for GPC, who was, as usual, maintaining the Satellite’s higher functions, and Crow, who was watching a rerun of _Beat Bobby Flay_ for the fifteenth time in the hopes that maybe this time the contestant would start throwing punches instead of pizza dough. Jonah had explained more than once that the “beat” in the title referred to the cooking challenge and not to a literal fistfight, but Crow remained unconvinced.

Jonah had managed to fall asleep despite the cacophony that was Crow yelling at the TV. He was dreaming, but not of anything in particular, just little flashes here and there: a low laugh, a gentle touch on his thigh, the rustling of bedsheets. Jonah emerged from sleep slowly, groggy and not entirely sure what had woken him up at—he squinted at his wristwatch—4:35am. He couldn’t hear anything from outside, so he assumed Crow must have gone to bed. Jonah flopped back and stared at the ceiling. His door whooshed open. _Here we go again._

Jonah swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat up, scrubbing his face with his hands. “For the last time, what did I say about coming into my room?”

“Uh—wild guess here, but it wouldn’t have anything to do with gefilte fish, would it?” said one of the two strange men currently standing in Jonah’s room. Jonah stared at him.

“Okay, first of all, _no,_ where does everyone keep getting gefilte fish from? Second of all, and this is probably what I should have led with, who the heck are you and how did you get in my room?” Then Jonah realized there were two strange men currently standing in his room, and all he was wearing were his tighty whities. “No wait, hang on. Let me just, uh, pants.”

The man looked down at Jonah’s briefs. “Oh, that’s okay,” he said, then the man behind him coughed. “I mean, take your time.”

“We’ll go wait in the _kitchen,”_ the man behind him said firmly, and started dragging the first man out of Jonah’s room and down the hall. The first man slapped the door close button as he went, calling out “Sorry!” as the door whooshed closed again.

Jonah blinked. Then he shook his head to clear it and reached for a clean jumpsuit. He glanced at his watch again: 4:42am.

It was going to be a long day.

* * *

When Jonah finally made it to the kitchen, he was greeted with the smell of maple syrup and cooking waffles. “Uh…Hey?” he said.

The first man, who was sitting at the table, looked up at him. “Oh hey,” he said and patted the seat next to him. “Want some breakfast?”

Jonah plunked down. “Sure. Thanks?”

“Comin’ right up,” said the man at the stove, and winked at Jonah as he ladled a scoop of batter into the waffle iron. Jonah blushed.

“Sorry for bursting in on you earlier,” the man sitting next to Jonah said. “We weren’t expecting anyone to be in our—I mean, uh. We just weren’t expecting anyone to be there.”

“Oh yeah, it’s cool,” Jonah said. “Also, hold on, how exactly did you get up here in the first place? You know we’re like...in space and stuff, right?”

The two men exchanged a glance.

“Yeah, it’s definitely space, that’s for sure,” the guy next to Jonah said. “I’m Mike. That’s Joel.”

Joel raised his ladle in greeting. “Hey.”

“Oh! Of course,” said Jonah, snapping his fingers. “You’re the guys who were up here before me! The name’s Jonah, and can I just say it’s a real honor to meet you both, you know to be honest I never thought I’d get the chance, figured you’d be dead by now! Welcome to the Satellite of Love—uh, welcome back!”

Mike blinked. A corner of Joel’s mouth quirked up.

“Definitely not dead,” Mike said. “I think. Mostly?”

“We’re not dead,” Joel said, placing a full plate of waffles in the middle of the table. “Ok, now dig in, everyone.”

There were a few minutes of silence as they ate. “Wow,” Jonah said finally, swallowing a big piece of waffle. “These are really good, Joel. Thanks.”

Joel smiled. “Aw, my pleasure.”

Jonah felt his stomach flip-flop, but he compartmentalized it under _Desperate Need For Validation_ (next to _Unresolved Trauma From High School_ and three boxes down from _Mom Told Me Mr. Bubbles Ran Away But Fish Don’t Have Legs So What Is The Truth?)_ so that he could think about it later.

“I used to watch you,” Jonah blurted out, and then realized how creepy that sounded. “Uh, on TV, I mean, back when I was a kid. I think I sent a fan letter in once or twice or, um, fifteen times? I never thought it was true, though, I just thought you were both, you know, acting. But then I ended up here, and it turns out that it’s all painfully real, so hey, that’s—that was pretty cool.”

Mike chuckled. “Always nice to meet a fan.”

“Wait a sec,” Jonah said, pursing his lips. “How _did_ you get back up here?”

Joel flapped a hand. “Oh, just wanted to swing by and see the place, reminisce about the good ol’ days, that’s all.”

Mike shook his head. “I mean, we have been talking about maybe taking some time off from the hot fish shop. But, uh, I have no idea how we ended up back here. One minute, we were on the couch snoring though the end of _The Matrix Revolutions,_ the next minute a giant tube crashed through our ceiling, sucked us up, and now we’re here. To be honest, though, it’s an improvement on the movie.” Then Mike covered his mouth with one hand and stage-whispered, “But also, while we’re up here, I’m pretty sure we left some, uh, personal stuff laying around that we would love to take back.”

“Hey, yeah, come to think of it, I think I actually have seen some boxes with your names on them here and there.” Jonah asked. “What sort of stuff did you leave?”

“Oh, you know.” Mike rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. Jonah looked to Joel for elaboration, but Joel just flashed him an enigmatic grin. Mike sighed. “It’s sex stuff.”

Jonah blinked. Then he blinked again. Then he assumed he must have just misheard and powered through. “Sure. Well, feel free to look around. Mi casa es su casa. Uh, literally. And then we can figure out how to get you home.”

A weird _clang!_ echoed suddenly out of the air duct above the table.

Joel peered up at it. “I don’t think it’s supposed to make that noise.”

Jonah frowned. “It’s not.”

They heard another _clang!_ and then a very muffled Crow said “Well, not gonna lie, I thought this escape room would be way better.”

“You know, your problem is your expectations are too high! Can’t you ever just be satisfied?” came Tom’s equally muffled answer.

“No! This sucks, I want my money back!”

“It’s non-refundable, Crow, you’re paying for the experience!”

“Oh yeah? Experience _this!”_

_Clang! Clang!_

“I’ll go find some WD-40 so we can slide them out of there,” Joel said, standing up and putting his dish in the sink.

Jonah put his head down on the table. Mike patted his shoulder.

“It’s okay,” Mike said. “We’ve all been there.”

* * *

Mike had gone down with Tom and Crow to search the storage rooms on Deck 12, leaving Joel and Jonah to comb through the upper decks alone. Jonah still found it hard to believe he was hanging out, rummaging through crates full of junk with one of his childhood idols. Joel, for his part, seemed to be enjoying himself.

“Whew!” Jonah said eventually, wiping sweat from his brow. “It’s like the Raiders of the Lost Ark warehouse up in here. I can’t believe Kinga saved all this old junk.”

“Well, you know, maybe it’s all she had,” Joel said, armpit-deep in a crate of kitchen sponges. “And her way of connecting with Dr. F was to, uh, shoot it all back into space where he had originally put it.”

“Maybe,” Jonah said, doubtful. “You really think she’s trying to connect with her dead dad through a box full of Hamdingers, though?”

Joel laughed. “Okay, maybe not.” Then he looked thoughtful. “You know, I found an escape pod hidden in a crate of Hamdingers once.”

Jonah eyed the crate in front of him, then used the pry bar to open it. “Aw, man. No, it really is full of Hamdingers.”

Joel shook his head. “Wow. Tough break.”

They continued cataloguing in comfortable semi-silence, Joel stopping every so often to lay something aside if he thought might be useful. Jonah thought it all looked like junk, truthfully, but the “useful” pile grew steadily taller all the same.

“Hey, before I forget,” Joel said after a while, “I wanted to say thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Uh, for what?”

“For taking care of Tommy and Crow. And GPC and Cambot too, but they’re a little more self sufficient.”

“I don’t really do much,” Jonah said. “I just hang out with them. Sometimes I pretend not to notice when they steal my socks.”

“Yeah, but they trust you,” Joel said. “And that means a lot, to me. You’re a good guy, Jonah.”

Jonah blushed. “Thanks. You are too. I mean, I guess I haven’t known you that long, but I kinda feel like I have.”

Joel grinned, pulling a taper candle out of a crate and holding up to his mouth like a cigar. “I know,” he deadpanned, pretending to puff on the candle.

Jonah cracked up. “Hey, yeah. It’s just like that sketch.” He started humming the smarmy Bond villain background music.

Joel raised an eyebrow. _“I know,”_ he said again, then swooped in, pulled Jonah down, and kissed him.

When Joel pulled back, Jonah was flushed and a little breathless. “Wow. Just, uh, just like the sketch, right?” he said.

Joel blinked slowly, unreadable. “Sure. If you like.”

Jonah clapped Joel on the shoulder, acting more composed than he felt. “Well, hey, this seems like a good place to stop for now. What do you say we, uh, go find Mike and everyone and break for lunch?”

Joel gave a second slow blink. Jonah felt like he was missing some sort of message, but Joel just said “Sure” again, gave Jonah a lazy smile, and started walking towards the door.

* * *

“Anyway, it turned out that Tom was allergic to apricots and that’s what was causing the whole thing, so we stopped giving them to him, and after a day or so, we stopped finding copies of _Notting Hill_ scattered around, too. But I don’t think the washing machine ever worked right after that,” Mike said.

“Wow. What a way to find out, though,” Jonah said.

“Yeah,” Mike chuckled. “That it was.”

The two of them were currently strolling through the ship’s desalination deck, around the reservoir. Joel had wanted to spend some quality time with the bots, so Mike and Jonah were taking the opportunity to stretch their legs. Jonah was admittedly a little glad to have some distance from Joel, at least for an hour or so. He was still thinking about the kiss. The kiss, which totally wasn’t a _kiss_ , it was just a sketch-kiss. So it didn’t count.

 _You weren’t doing a sketch, though,_ said the voice in Jonah’s brain. They had totally been doing a sketch. Or at least, it was a callback to a sketch, which was really the same thing. _Well, if it doesn’t count, then why are you still thinking about it?_ Jonah didn’t have a good answer. But hey, they were just a couple of guys, trapped in space… It wasn’t that weird. Jonah was so lost in thought that he hadn’t realized Mike had trailed off and was just looking at him.

“Oh, I get it,” Mike said. “You’re rethinking your sexuality right about now, huh?” 

“Uh, what?”

“Well, you know,” Mike shrugged. “It’s like, for your whole life you think you’re one way, then one day you meet a guy in space, and from then on everything is different.”

Jonah swallowed. _You meet a guy in space._ “Oh. No. I mean. I’m definitely gay.”

Mike blinked. “Wow, color me impressed. It took me way longer than that to come to terms with it.”

“No, I mean, uh, I’ve been gay? I was gay, before,” Jonah gestured to the room around them. “Before all this.”

“Before we came down to the desalination deck?” Jonah looked pained, and Mike put his hands up in defense. “I’m kidding! That’s cool, though.” Mike stared out at the still water of the reservoir. He looked a little wistful. “Joel and I had a date down here once. Well, not _here_ here. You know. Anyway, we went out on the reservoir in a rowboat and, uh, I fell. I mean, I fell in the reservoir. But, uh, for Joel also.”

Jonah felt his heart go _th-thump._ “Oh, I didn’t realize you two were, uh—” He gestured between them with his hands.

Mike blushed, suddenly self-conscious. “Yeah, I didn’t either. Joel had to sit me down and explain that he had been trying to seduce me for months.”

Jonah snorted. Somehow, he could picture it.

“Watch out,” Mike said, wiggling his fingers. “He’ll get you, too, if you’re not careful. And then you’ll end up like me.”

“Uh, dating Joel?”

Mike just smiled mysteriously. “We should probably head back up. I bet everyone’s wondering what happened to us.”

Jonah stared at Mike for a moment, then shook his head. “Yeah, they’re gonna think you fell in the reservoir again.”

Mike groaned. “I shouldn’t have told you about that. Look, it wasn’t my fault.”

“Yeah, sure, buddy. Save it for the trial.”

Mike shook his fist. “I’m innocent, I tell you! Innocent!”

Jonah crossed his arms, putting on his best bad cop voice. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to come with me.”

“You’ll never take me alive!” Mike said, a glint in his eye. Jonah could tell he was about to make a break for it, and his eyes flicked down to the puddles on the ground around them.

“Wait, Mike!” Jonah broke character. “Don’t run, you’re gonna—”

Mike, thinking it was still part of the bit, turned and slipped on a wet patch before Jonah could even finish his warning. Jonah, who had seen it coming, leapt forward and grabbed Mike by his collar, pulling him back before he could fall into the water. Both of them went crashing to the ground.

“Slip,” Jonah finished from underneath Mike. Their noses were almost touching. Jonah could feel Mike’s breath on his face.

Mike flushed. “Thanks for catching me,” he said.

“Oh, uh, no problem,” Jonah said. Neither of them moved.

Mike’s eyes flickered from Jonah’s eyes, to his mouth, and then back again. Jonah shivered.

“Hey, uh,” Mike said, a little breathless. “Do you want to—?”

“Yeah,” Jonah said. Neither of them moved. Again.

Mike laughed, a sort-of giggle that made his nose scrunch up. “Sorry. I’m a little nervous.” He leaned in and pressed his lips to Jonah’s. Jonah had barely registered the feeling of Mike’s mouth, soft against his, when Mike pulled away and stood up. Jonah closed his eyes. When he opened them again, Mike was still there.

“Hey, Mike?” Jonah said, letting Mike help him to his feet. 

“Yeah?” Mike’s lashes fluttered.

“How come you taste like Hamdingers?”

* * *

For the most part, Jonah’s life went on like nothing had changed. Neither Mike nor Joel brought up the kisses at all, so Jonah tried not to dwell on it. Maybe it was some sort of weird space-greeting, like a getting-to-know-you type thing, or maybe it was part of some code of conduct for hosts that he hadn’t known about. Maybe it had been a mistake; or worse, a joke. Besides, Joel and Mike seemed like a perfectly functioning unit on their own, and Jonah couldn’t see where he might fit into it at all. He still had to prep for the upcoming invention exchange anyway, and if Mike and Joel were still there when it rolled around—which was seeming more and more likely—then he would have to come up with something to tell Kinga, too. So far, she hadn’t seemed to realize that there was more than one host on the Satellite, because she hadn’t called to yell at him about it, but Jonah knew it wouldn’t last. He made a mental note to bring it up with the other two later so they could brainstorm together.

All that aside, Jonah had been raised to always treat houseguests well, and after digging up some old jumpsuits for them to wear, he had insisted on Joel and Mike taking his room, which left him to figure out alternate sleeping arrangements for himself. He tried bunking in one of Tom’s old race car beds, but of course it was way too small, and after two days of his spine practically crunching every time he lifted his arms, Jonah decided that wasn’t going to cut it. He had found some extra fabric and rope in one of the prop rooms, and figured it was more than enough to craft some sort of makeshift hammock in one of the common areas.

And that was how Jonah found himself, once again, teetering on the edge of the desk on the bridge, trying to anchor his new bed into the ceiling. _Steady… Almost got it…_

“Need a hand?” came Joel’s lazy voice from somewhere around Jonah’s left shin.

“Agh!” Jonah jumped, barely maintaining his balance on the desk, but dropping the hammock as a result. “Joel! You scared the crap outta me!”

“Heh. Sorry.” Joel fished in one of his jumpsuit pockets. “Want a grape?”

Jonah considered the two anchors he had already screwed into the ceiling, considered how much more work he still had ahead of him, and considered Joel below him, cute in a scruffy sort of way and offering up a small bunch of grapes. _Well, when you put it like that_. Jonah jumped down off the desk. “Sure. Thanks.” He took the grapes from Joel and popped one into his mouth, chewing it thoughtfully. “Where’d you get these from? We haven’t had any fresh fruit in a while. Actually, maybe not in the whole time I’ve been here.”

“Oh, I had a bunch in my pocket from home. I used to eat them all the time up here ‘cause Dr. F would give ‘em to me. Never really kicked the habit, but I figured of all the compulsions I could’ve developed, it’s a pretty harmless one.”

Jonah nodded. Made sense. He was stuck on Joel saying _home_ like that, wondered for a moment what it was like for Joel and Mike back on Earth. Maybe they had a pet, and a house with a yard. They could eat fresh grapes or go visit their families whenever they wanted to. They _were_ a family. Jonah imagined the two of them sharing a kiss, or curling up together in bed. Mike taking off his shirt—Joel trailing a hand down Mike’s chest to unzip his—

“You busy?” Joel asked, cutting off Jonah’s train of thought. “Mike and I are gonna go smoke a bowl on the observation deck. I figured you might want in.”

Jonah closed his eyes in a brief prayer of thanks to whoever was listening. _Fuck yes_. “Fuck yes,” he said out loud, hoping it conveyed his extreme gratitude and reverence.

Joel laughed. “Yeah, thought so. Come on, big guy.”

Jonah felt his heart melt a little bit. He let Joel take his hand and lead him off the bridge, hammock already forgotten in a heap on the floor.

_Heston, you are so, so fucked._

* * *

It wasn’t long before Jonah found himself relaxed and giggling, sandwiched between Mike and Joel on the floor of the observation deck. It had been a long time since Jonah had been able to just casually hang out with other people. Mike had spread out some blankets and pillows and it was, well, really nice. _Pretty nice,_ his brain intoned. He giggled again.

Mike nudged Jonah with his shoulder. “Hey, what’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” Jonah said. “But also. This.”

“Whaddya mean?” Joel said, one eye cracked open. His arms were folded behind his head.

“I mean, just the situation,” Jonah said. “You both. Me. Being here.”

“What’s funny about a couple’a manly men, smoking the wacky tobaccy together in space?”

Jonah elbowed Joel in the ribs. “You know what I mean! Just, like, all of this is so weird. Not in a bad way or anything. Just different.”

Joel sat up, putting his arm around Jonah’s shoulders and giving him a squeeze. “Don’t think about it too much. Just let it happen.” There was a moment of silence that seemed to stretch on before Joel spoke again. “Mike, honey, are you still with us?”

“Huh?” Mike jumped. “Oh yeah. Sorry. I drifted.” He patted Jonah’s leg. “Anyway yeah. Don’t worry about it.”

Jonah shook his head. “You weren’t even listening,” he said, but his complaint was half-hearted. Besides, Mike’s patting had turned into a gentle sort of stroking, and Jonah’s mind was already a billion miles away. They sat like that for a few minutes, with Mike’s hand brushing Jonah’s leg and Joel’s arm slung over Jonah’s shoulder and Jonah trying to keep breathing like a normal person (who definitely wasn’t extremely turned on).

“Just so you both know, I’m extremely turned on,” Jonah said.

Mike squeezed his thigh gently. “Took you long enough.”

Jonah huffed out a breath. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Joel leaned in, pressing a kiss to Jonah’s shoulder. “What do you want to do about it?”

The hairs on the back of Jonah’s neck stood up. “It’s, uh, been a while for me.”

“Hey, there’s no pressure. We can take it slow.”

Jonah closed his eyes. “I mean...I’m not sure what’s supposed to happen.”

“Nothing’s ever _supposed_ to happen. It just happens. Everything after that is rationalization.”

Jonah wrestled with that for a minute, and then tried again. “No, I mean...I really like...both of you. It’s just, like, I hardly know you but you keep flirting with me and stuff, and honestly I’ve had a crush on you both since I was a teenager so this is totally super hot, but I kinda feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m also, like, super high right now.”

“Hmm,” Joel said, lips pursed against Jonah’s shoulder.

“Shout out to being super high right now,” Mike mumbled from where he was lying. He pumped a lazy fist in the air, then let his hand flop back onto Jonah’s thigh. “Woo!”

“Alright, alright,” Joel said, disentangling himself from Jonah and smiling. “I get the picture. I think we should go put you two goofs to sleep. We can talk about it later.”

Jonah’s head was filled with a pleasant sort of buzzing. “Yeah, ok. Wait. No,” he said.

Joel raised an eyebrow.

“Uh…” Jonah backtracked. “I mean. I didn’t finish putting together the hammock.”

Mike sat up. “Yeah but there’s a big bed in our room. I mean your room. Which is our room.” He shrugged. “You know. Anyway you’re big, so. Big bed.”

Jonah snorted. “Yeah, okay. But I—”

“Just come sleep in the bed, honey,” Joel said. “It’ll be more comfortable for you anyway.”

Jonah flushed at the pet name, but he still hesitated. “Yeah, but you guys need your privacy, for like, if you wanna, y’know, get freaky.” Jonah caught Joel’s very pointed gaze. “Umm. Okay. Point taken, I’ll come sleep in the bed?”

Joel tried to keep his intense look going, but after a few seconds he started cracking up. “Slumber party! Hey, I hope no one minds if I sleep naked!”

Jonah looked at Mike. “I can’t tell if he’s joking.”

“Don’t worry. If he tries anything, I’ll make _him_ go sleep in the hammock.”

Joel giggled. “You guys are no fun.”

* * *

“Okay, so how…” Jonah trailed off, eyeing the bed. It’s not that he didn’t _want_ to share a bed with two handsome men, but to go from not having any meaningful human contact in years to suddenly sleeping next to two people, both of whom had, inexplicably, expressed _attraction_ to him? He was _nervous_. What if he snored, or talked in his sleep? Where the heck was he supposed to put his legs? What if he dreamed he was eating a giant turkey leg again and woke up gnawing on someone’s arm?

Joel stuck his head out from behind the partition that conveniently separated Jonah’s bed and nightstand from the rest of his room. “Hey, can I borrow some pajamas? Unless you really _do_ want me to sleep naked.” He waggled his eyebrows.

Jonah choked. “In the dresser, uh, second drawer from the top.”

Mike unzipped his jumpsuit, stepping out of it so he was left wearing only his undershirt and briefs, and threw the jumpsuit on the floor before leaping dramatically onto the bed. He bounced a little bit, then struck a fashion-model pose with one hand behind his head and one on his hip. “I don’t care who sleeps where, but I want to be the little spoon,” he proclaimed.

“That can be arranged,” Joel said, emerging from behind the partition wearing one of Jonah’s pajama shirts. Joel wasn’t a small guy by any means—actually, he was broader and taller in person that Jonah had expected, after only having seen him on TV and on the old MST tapes—but because of their height difference and because Jonah liked to sleep in loose clothes, the shirt hung to his mid-thigh. The overall effect was—cute. Joel was cute. Jonah caught himself staring, shook his head to clear it, and locked eyes with Joel, who smirked like he could tell exactly what Jonah was thinking. Jonah looked away, blushing. That was all he seemed to be doing lately.

Mike propped himself up on one arm and patted the spot next to him in bed. Jonah froze up, eyes flicking between Mike and the bed. What if the bed actually wasn’t big enough and they didn’t all fit? Also, what if he had to pee in the middle of the night? Or what if Waverly had another night terror and he had to get up? Or what if—

“C’mere,” Mike said, patting more insistently. “I want to be _held_ by someone, dammit.”

Well, that settled that. Who was Jonah to deny that kind of request? He stripped off his jumpsuit and gingerly lowered himself into the bed next to Mike. Mike fluffed his pillow and plopped down, turning his back to Jonah and wiggling his butt in invitation. Jonah looked at Mike’s backside, looked at Joel, who smiled at him encouragingly, and then scooted in as close as he dared and threw an arm over Mike’s hip. Mike let out a contented grunt and ground his butt back into Jonah’s crotch. Jonah sucked in a breath, hoping that Mike couldn’t tell that his body was going absolutely haywire.

“Hey. R’lax,” Mike mumbled, half into the pillow. He patted Jonah’s forearm with one hand. “Sleep time.”

Joel clambered into bed behind both of them. “Comin’ in hot.”

Mike snickered, eyes closed. “Shut up.”

Joel leaned over to turn the light off, then took a minute to arrange himself. He pulled the blankets up and turned so that he could wrap himself around Jonah’s body. “Mmm. Jonah, you smell really good.”

“Oh, thanks. I use, uh, soap.”

Mike yawned. “G’night, you two.”

“G’night, Mike,” Jonah said. Mike squeezed his arm in response.

“G’night,” Joel said from Jonah’s other side. He blew a kiss towards Mike, then nuzzled his face into Jonah’s shoulder and kissed him, too.

Jonah let out a breath against the back of Mike’s neck. It had been so long since Jonah had held anyone, or been held, for that matter. Jonah hadn’t even had a steady date back on Earth for...well, longer than he cared to admit. And even when he had been seeing someone, Jonah, as the physically larger person, was always expected to be the one doing all the holding. Which wasn’t terrible by any means—but it was also really, really nice to feel the heat and weight that was Joel curled around him.

Jonah wiggled a little, getting comfortable. Mike let out a small sigh. Jonah stroked Mike’s stomach gently, feeling Mike reflexively arch towards him. As Mike’s breathing slowed down and evened out, Jonah felt his own body relax. He couldn’t remember what he had been worried about. All that was left in his mind now was warmth. He was cocooned in it. He felt Joel press another kiss against the back of his neck, so soft it was almost imperceptible. Jonah let himself be swallowed up by sleep.

* * *

Jonah woke up half-hard after the first really satisfying sleep he’d had in days, because of _course_ he did. He felt cheated, because he hadn’t even been dreaming about anything particularly sexy, unless you counted singing a punk version of a Tom Lehrer song as sexy (which Jonah didn’t. Mostly), but now he had to deal with it anyway.

Without looking, Jonah reached down to touch himself over the fabric of his underwear, just barely arching his hips up at the contact. He sighed a little, then went to stretch out a bit more—and smacked into Mike, whose presence he had completely forgotten about. Jonah’s eyes snapped fully open. “Gah!”

Mike, half asleep, lifted his head with a little “Huh?”

“Sorry, it’s nothing! You can go back to sleep!” Jonah whispered, sounding as desperate as he felt. Fuck fuck fuck _fuck._

Mike rolled over to face Jonah and yawned. “You okay?”

Jonah squirmed. “Yeah. Yep! I’m good. Don’t worry about it!” _Fuck!_

Mike squinted at him. Jonah fidgeted some more. Mike’s squinty gaze traveled down Jonah’s chest and then stopped and then Mike squinted even harder.

Jonah was going to _die._

Mike reached towards him, then hesitated. “Can I?”

“Um,” Jonah closed his eyes, then opened them again. “I, uh. You don’t. I mean. I guess? If you want to. But—haah,” the air left Jonah’s lungs in one big breath as Mike cupped him appreciatively through his briefs.

“Dream about something nice?” Mike asked, playing innocent as he proceeded to push Jonah’s underwear out of the way and down.

Jonah squeezed his eyes shut. “Tom Lehrer.”

“Ooh. Yeah, very nice. I respect that.”

“Th- _thanks!_ For your support,” Jonah croaked. “Would you mind, um. Could you do that again, but more.”

Mike did it again, but more.

“H-heh, _hah,_ okay, yeah,” Jonah was already incoherent and Mike had barely started touching him.

“It’s okay,” Mike said, sounding conspiratorial. “The first time me and Joel did it I came in like, two minutes.” He smiled when Jonah twitched. “I mean, I get it. That’s kinda how it is when you’re trapped in space.”

“I mean it’s not like I don’t…” Jonah threw an arm over his face, embarrassed. “I like, jerk off and stuff. Ohfuck. Hah. Fuck.”

“Sure, but it’s different with someone else.” Mike bit his lower lip, concentrating. Jonah moved his arm to look at Mike and saw that Mike was touching himself and getting him off at the same time. Jonah felt a rush of heat move through his body and he sat up a little, leaning on his elbows so he could see.

“Oh, you wanna watch?” Mike said, pumping his hand faster. “Fuck. That’s really—yeah.”

Jonah felt like he was swimming out of his body and closed his eyes. “I’m gonna—I’m really close.”

Mike stopped what he was doing, sliding down so his head was between Jonah’s legs.

Jonah opened his eyes. “What’re you—”

Mike’s eyes danced. He looked at Jonah, said “Cum for me, won’t we?” and took Jonah into his mouth.

Jonah let out an unexpected _Snrk!_ and then came so hard he saw stars. When he could move again, he sat up and put his face in his hands.

“That good, huh?” Mike continued to stroke himself.

“I kind of hate you.”

“Hey, it worked, didn’t it?”

Jonah dragged his hands down his face, then shook his head. “Lemme help you with that.” He scooted forward and replaced Mike’s hand with his own.

Mike sucked in a breath, his erection jumping as Jonah took over. He leaned forward and touched his forehead to Jonah’s.

“This good?” Jonah asked, voice rough. Mike nodded and closed his eyes. He rocked his hips gently with the motion of Jonah’s hand.

“Yeah. Nn—yeah. Just like that.”

“Hey, uh, Mike?”

“Y— _unh—_ yeah?”

“Would it be okay if I,” Jonah faltered. “I mean, could I hold you? While I’m, uh.” He twisted his hand to emphasize.

Mike writhed. _“Fuck._ I mean. Your hand is already on my dick, so.”

“Oh yeah. Huh,” Jonah shuffled forward on the bed so he could fold himself around Mike. He rested his chin on Mike’s shoulder and puffed a breath of air into his ear. Mike groaned.

“Keep touching me,” Mike said, voice hoarse.

Jonah turned his head and said _hmm_ into the spot where Mike’s throat met his shoulder. “Sorry,” Jonah said into Mike’s skin. “I hope this isn’t weird. I just wanna feel you.” He gave Mike a couple of long, slow strokes, then a few short ones for variety. Mike shuddered.

“You close?” Jonah murmured.

“Yeah, just keep—keep going,” Mike said. “Fuck—ah—”

Mike came all over Jonah’s hand with a shout just as the bedroom door whooshed open. Joel stood in the doorway, balancing three plates of scrambled eggs.

“Oh, hey,” Joel said, voice totally neutral.

Jonah stared at him.

“Morning, honey,” Mike said.

“I made eggs,” Joel gestured with the plates.

Mike touched a hand to Jonah’s chest, making him jump. “Hey. Mind letting me go?”

“Oh! Right. Yeah. Sorry. I’m gonna go, uh, wash up.” Jonah scrambled off the bed, wiped his hand off on some dirty laundry, grabbed a pair of shorts out of the same pile and pulled them on. He could feel Joel’s eyes on him the whole time. “Be right back!” he said, trying to sound normal and like he hadn’t just been totally doing it with Mike. Jonah squeezed past Joel into the hallway and made a break for the bathroom.

* * *

Jonah hadn’t _meant_ to forget about breakfast with Mike and Joel, but on his way out of the bathroom he ran into Tom, who roped him into helping Crow work out the blocking for a new musical about the dangers of premarital hand-holding. The three of them stood together on the stage in the theater, the movie screen currently retracted and the house lights on.

“I mean, I’m happy to help, I guess,” Jonah scratched his head. “But I don’t know if I agree with your message, Crow. There’s nothing dangerous about holding hands with someone, married or not.”

“Jonah, I have one word for you: _warts!”_

“Oh, I know! What about swine flu?” Tom piped up, swiveling from side to side.

“Yeah, yeah! What he said!”

“Okay, sure, but now you’re just talking about germs, right? I mean, you could get that from touching a doorknob or something.”

Crow and Tom looked at each other, then back at Jonah.

“So you’re saying it should be a musical about the dangers of having hands?” Crow asked. “I like the cut of your jib, kid!”

“No, that wasn’t exactly—well, you know what, sure.” Jonah looked down at the script Tom had given him. “Tell me who I’m playing, again?”

Crow consulted his notes. “You play Jonah, a young boy coming of age during the Great Wart Outbreak of the 1920s. Your fear of intimacy due to trauma is what saves you from the draft during World Wart II.”

“Don’t you mean World _War_ II?”

“No.”

Tom whizzed over. “And _I’m_ playing Suzie, the beautiful-but-understated girl next door whose only dream is to have someone who will hold my delicate, feminine hand at the junior prom!”

“Oh, I get it, so the hand-holding scene is replacing the climactic scene where we kiss in front of the whole school after we get voted Prom King and Queen, right?”

Crow looked at Jonah blankly. “What do you mean, replacing?”

Jonah frowned. “Well, because hand-holding is what’s dangerous, right? So instead of kissing, I take Suzie’s hand in mine, and that’s how we both end up with warts at the end of act two.”

“Yeah, but Jonah, _kissing_ isn't dangerous. You and Tom, I mean Suzie, have a whole bunch of kissing scenes. Did you even read the script? Sheesh.”

“But you can get swine flu from kissing just as easily!”

“I don’t think so.”

Tom swiveled his dome. “Yeah, Jonah, it just doesn’t check out.”

Jonah spluttered. “What—but—wait, hang on, what do you mean, _a whole bunch_ of kissing scenes?”

Crow threw his hands up. “Read the script, it’s all there! Doesn’t anyone read the script anymore?”

Jonah started flipping through the script. “Okay, okay, let’s see, uh, kissing at the prom… Kissing in the woods behind the school during summer vacation… Kissing on the battlefield after the ceasefire… Hey! Crow, this whole script is just us kissing!”

Crow stared at him. “And I stand by that.”

“This whole thing is just a vehicle for me to make out with Servo over three acts! I don’t really know if I want to do this anymore. No offense, Tom.”

“None taken, I don’t want to kiss you either, mammal breath.”

“Hey! Just because I have warm blood and nipples—” Jonah was interrupted by his stomach growling.

“What, didn’t drink enough _milk_ this morning?” Servo asked.

“What? No, I didn’t even have breakfast—oh man, breakfast! Joel made eggs and I totally forgot! Sorry, Crow, I have to run. I’ll catch you guys later!” Jonah threw the script down and took off down the hall.

“Just remember that if I never win the EGOT, it’ll be your fault!” Crow shouted after him.

* * *

Jonah skidded into the kitchen, out of breath after running halfway across the Satellite. He had gone back to the bedroom, but no one was there. So he had pulled on clean underwear and his mostly clean jumpsuit, and then ran back out to look for Joel and Mike. Mike was nowhere to be found. Joel was washing dishes.

“Hey,” Jonah gasped out, between breaths.

“Oh, hey, there you are,” Joel said, turning and putting down his sponge. “What happened to you?”

“I was looking for you. Uh, hang on.” Jonah sat down at the table and took a couple of deep breaths. Joel filled a glass with water and put it down in front of him.

“You were looking for me? You missed breakfast. We wondered where you went.”

Jonah winced, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “I’m really sorry, Joel. I got tied up helping Crow and Servo with a project and I just lost track of time.”

“Oh, you don’t have to apologize to me.” Joel sat down across from Jonah and reached out to pat his hand. “You should maybe go talk to Mike later, though. I think he’s worried he might have scared you off.”

Jonah groaned. “Yeah. I will.”

Joel studied Jonah’s face. “Did he?”

“Huh?”

“Did he scare you off?”

Jonah blushed. “Um...no.”

Joel reached into his pocket and pulled out a bunch of grapes. He passed it to Jonah, their fingers brushing for a brief moment. Jonah pulled the grapes off their stems one by one, popping them into his mouth and chewing slowly while Joel watched. Joel’s expression was gentle.

Jonah swallowed. “I’m sorry,” he said again.

“Huh? For what?”

 _Because I had sex with your...boyfriend? Partner? Spouse?_ “Because, last night, when you asked me, I said I wasn’t ready. But then this morning I,” Jonah made a vague gesture, “with Mike, before we even got to talk about it.”

Joel furrowed his brow. “Are you okay with what happened?”

“Yeah! I mean, yeah. Of course. It was, um.” Jonah clasped his hands together on the table. “But…”

“Then it’s fine. You can just go at your own pace, you know? There’s no rules.”

“Well, yeah, but,” Jonah tried again. “We never talked about it.”

“We’re talking about it now,” Joel pointed out.

“I just…” Jonah trailed off, then shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t want it to be weird.”

Joel looked at him. “Do you think it’s weird?”

“No.” Jonah fidgeted. Then, after a moment: “I just—I feel like you’re building this up and I don’t want you to be disappointed.”

Joel frowned. “I wouldn’t be.”

“You don’t know that. You hardly know me.”

“I told you. I think you’re a good guy.”

Jonah kicked his heel against the leg of his chair and didn’t say anything.

Joel tilted his head. “You like Mike, right?”

“Well...yeah.”

“And what happened this morning, you’d do it again with him?”

Jonah stared down at his hands. “I—yeah. I would. If he wanted to. And, uh, if it’s okay with you.”

“Sure,” Joel said. “And I think it’s safe to say that he does.”

“Oh,” Jonah blinked. “Okay.”

“It’s, um…” Joel seemed to be searching for the words. He cleared his throat. “What I mean is,” he said finally, “it’s okay if you don’t like me. In the same way as Mike, I mean. It’s not like—uh, it’s fine, really. I mean I really like you. But I get it, and it’s cool.”

Jonah was confused. “Wait, you think I don’t like you?” 

“No, I think you like me. But it’s okay if you don’t _like_ me like me.”

“What? No, I—I really like you,” Jonah said. “I told you, I’ve had a crush on you since I was thirteen. Are you kidding? Joel, I _really_ like you. Why do you think—” Jonah broke off, biting his lip.

“Why do I think what?” Joel prompted.

Jonah took a deep breath and decided to just spill. “Why do you think I’m so worried about disappointing you? You’re just, like… You’re so cool. You’re the _man_. I became a Gizmocrat because of you. You survived all, all this,” Jonah waved his hand around, “and now you’re back, for whatever reason, saying you wanna fool around with me and I’m—I haven’t done anything cool or special or great. You’re _Joel Robinson._ I’m just, you know, the next unlucky guy they trapped up here.”

“No, you’re the next after Mike.” Joel hesitated, then covered Jonah’s hand with his. “Look, Jonah...I know it seems like, like I did all this stuff, but I’m nothing special. I try to keep it together for Mike and the bots but truthfully I’m scared as hell being back here, with everything exactly the same except—well, knowing that Dr. F is gone and—just, it’s all really weird. But for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing great. And I’m glad you’re here.” Joel squeezed Jonah’s hand.

Jonah turned his hand over and laced their fingers together. “I’m glad you’re here, too,” he admitted. “I mean, I wish you didn’t have to get re-stranded up here for it to happen. But between the three of us...we’ll figure it out.”

Joel grinned. “Yeah. I’m sure we will. In the meantime, though…”

“What, uh, what did you have in mind?”

Joel’s eyes dipped down to the vee of Jonah’s legs, then flicked back up to meet his eyes. Jonah flushed.

“You’re a smart guy, Jonah,” Joel said. “Take a guess.”

“Oh, uh—you want me to guess right now?”

Joel lifted both of their hands and pulled Jonah’s arm towards him. He unlaced their fingers, placing Jonah’s hand flat against his chest.

“That give you any ideas?”

Jonah grinned, grabbing a handful of Joel’s jumpsuit and twisting so that Joel had to lean forward over the table to keep from falling. “I’m not sure. Maybe you should show me.”

“Oh, you’d like that, huh?” Joel’s tone stayed perfectly even, but his breathing had sped up just enough to be noticeable. “C’mere.”

Jonah leaned in and Joel reached up, grabbed his shoulders, and crashed their lips together. When they broke apart, Jonah let go of Joel’s jumpsuit and fell back into his seat, panting and a little bit awestruck. Joel remained standing. He smoothed a hand down the front of his jumpsuit, smirking at Jonah.

“Get the picture now, big guy?”

“Yeah,” Jonah said, breathless. “I think I—oh, wait! Picture!”

Joel blinked. “Picture?”

“Yeah, I found a—okay, hang on,” Jonah started digging through his jumpsuit pockets. Joel waited, seemingly a little perplexed but patient nonetheless. After a second, Jonah found what he was looking for. He pulled the Polaroid from his pocket, holding the bottom corner delicately between two fingers.

“I found this,” Jonah said. “Right before you and Mike got here. Is this...you?”

Joel stepped around the table so he could see. “Oh wow,” he said. “Can I…?”

Jonah handed it to him. Joel took it gently, staring at the photo with a sort of reverence.

“You found this?” he asked, after studying it for a few seconds.

“Yeah, on the bridge,” Jonah said. “Kinga said it might have been her dad’s. But I _knew_ I recognized you. I just totally forgot about it.”

“Her dad’s…” Joel murmured. “Dr. Forrester saved this?”

Jonah shrugged. “Guess so. Seems like he was kind of a weird guy.”

Joel closed his eyes, then opened them again. “He wasn’t all bad.”

Jonah felt the history behind that statement more than he understood it. He let a moment pass before speaking up again. “So, uh, that’s Mike there with you, right? I didn’t know you two were on the Satellite together.”

“We weren’t really. I visited once, to do some repairs.”

“Oh,” Jonah said. “Wait, really? Just once? So this was uh—the first time you—?”

“Yeah,” Joel looked at Jonah. “Why?”

“Well, it just seems—I dunno. You look close. I mean, besides the fact this is clearly, uh, a _sexy_ photo. You just both look—happy.”

Joel smiled faintly. “Yeah, well, I guess we were. I mean, I can’t speak for Mike, but it was the first time he had seen pretty much _anyone_ in a long time. That’s why we took the picture, he wanted proof that it wasn’t all just a dream. For me, even though I had been back on Earth for a few years by then, I still sort of felt like—like everything had just passed me by, and there wasn’t anywhere left for me. So going back to the Satellite of Love...it was kind of like, you know the first time you visited your parents house after you moved out? Like it was still your home, and everything else you would ever experience would be just some kind of facsimile of the way you felt as a kid.”

“Sure. But then, wait, how did you and Mike…?”

“Oh, Mike came down in Wisconsin when the experiment ended. I had heard about it on the news, you know, all that stuff, but I wasn’t sure if it was really him, and then I couldn’t get away from work...but it was like, if I didn’t go see for myself, I knew I would just be thinking about it for the rest of my life. So I bought a one-way bus ticket to Milwaukee and I just kind of, uh, showed up and hoped for the best,” Joel said.

Jonah snorted. “Wow. Somehow I’m not surprised to hear that that actually worked.”

Joel laughed. “Yeah, well. I stayed for about two weeks, and then Mike packed everything up and moved the bots out to Osseo so I could go back to working at the Hot Fish Shop. And that was that.”

“The bots…” Jonah was confused for a moment, and then he realized. “Oh! You have your own Crow and Servo. Wait, are they okay?”

“Oh, yeah. Crow’s been away on a cross-country hitchhiking trip anyway, and Cambot’s been helping Tommy study for his LSATs. I’m sure they’re doing fine. And GPC’s been managing a multi-billion dollar company for a while now, so actually, she’s doing better than all of us.”

“Huh,” Jonah said, absorbing all the new information.

“Mike and I were worried that we had moved in together kinda fast,” Joel said. “But it worked. We didn’t know each other that well, but we had both spent so much time up here and with the bots, so we just _got_ each other, you know? We were two of a kind. I guess it just kinda made sense for things to happen the way they did.”

“Hmm,” Jonah said. He reached out and looped an arm around Joel’s hip, pulling him close. He buried his face in Joel’s chest.

“Three of a kind,” Joel amended, stroking the back of Jonah’s head.

* * *

The rest of the day passed relatively quickly. Mike still hadn’t emerged from wherever he had gone.

“Oh, he’s probably in costume storage,” Joel said. “He likes to dress up when he’s stressed. Just give him some time.”

That would have been fine, except it wasn’t, because Jonah wanted to find Mike and apologize, and also maybe push him up against a wall or something. He resisted the urge to go looking for him, though, and instead worked on his invention exchange with Joel. Joel, for all his modesty, was of course a really talented inventor, and Jonah was excited to have someone else to bounce ideas off of. For a while, he forgot about everything except working, and by the time GPC came to collect them for dinner, the invention was practically done.

“G, have you seen Mike anywhere?” Jonah asked her.

“Oh, I tried to get Mike to come sit with everyone, but he said he wasn’t feeling well and that he just wants to eat in the bedroom,” she said.

Jonah frowned.

“Thanks, girl,” Joel said. He put a hand on Jonah’s arm. “You wanna go talk to him? I can clean up here.”

Jonah hesitated. “Didn’t you say he just needed some time? I don’t want to make him talk to me if he’s not ready.”

“Well, just go see if he’s okay and ask him if he wants to talk,” Joel amended.

“Yeah, okay,” Jonah said, then shook his head. “Also? If I didn’t know better I’d think you just wanted me out of here so you could tinker by yourself.”

Joel inclined his head. “I might have ulterior motives.”

Jonah snorted, touching a hand to Joel’s shoulder as he passed by. He ducked out of the fab lab, letting the door whoosh closed on GPC’s muffled “Joel, we _never_ get to have family dinners anymore!”

As he headed towards the sleeping quarters, Jonah rehearsed what he would say to Mike. _This morning was fun, sorry I ruined it._ Nope. _Hey, I know I ran away from you, but we should totally have sex again._ Definitely not. Ugh. Well, whatever. Probably, once he saw Mike, he would know exactly what to say.

Jonah had just raised a hand to open the bedroom door when it opened on its own, revealing Mike on the other side.

“Oh...hi,” Mike said, not moving.

“I’m an idiot,” Jonah blurted.

Mike raised an eyebrow.

 _Oh, real smooth, Heston._ “I mean, uh. Can we talk?”

Mike exhaled. “Yeah, okay.” He stepped aside so Jonah could enter.

Jonah sat down on the edge of the bed, bouncing gently.

Mike stood, arms crossed. “So?”

Jonah stopped bouncing. He bit his lip, unsure where to begin. “Mike...I’m really sorry, uh—about this morning, I—”

“Look,” Mike interrupted. “If you’re about to say it was a mistake and it shouldn’t have happened, I would rather just not know. If you want we can pretend it didn’t happen, that’s fine. But just...don’t tell me it was a mistake, okay?”

Jonah frowned. “Uh, okay. I won’t. Because it wasn’t.”

Mike scowled. “Then why did you leave?”

“Honestly?” Jonah ran a hand through his hair. “I just panicked. It’s been a long time for me, and then Joel walked in and I thought I was toast.”

Mike blinked, taken aback by his answer. “What? Why?”

“Cause you’re—because the two of you are—you know!”

Mike furrowed his brow. “Wait, you thought I was like—going behind Joel’s back or something?”

“Kinda. I don’t know. That was part of it, I guess. I also just kind of have, uh, a thing about Joel.” Jonah saw Mike’s question forming before he could ask it and hurried to add, “No, I mean—I just think he’s really cool and that intimidates me! We worked it out.”

Mike uncrossed his arms. “Oh, you talked with him?”

“Yeah, a little while before I came over here, because I was worried about you. He thought I didn’t like him, but I do! I like you _both._ I was just—well, scared, I guess. I dunno. It’s not every day one of your all-time heroes materializes on the same satellite as you and wants to bone.”

Mike’s smile was rueful. “Ha. Yeah, I guess that’s a relatable feeling. When I took Joel’s place, I was so nervous. He’s so...well, he’s so _Joel_. I know he doesn’t think so, but it’s hard to live up to that.”

Jonah nodded. “Yeah.”

Mike was quiet for a minute. Then: “So you weren’t running from me?”

Jonah shook his head. “No. I mean—I was and I wasn’t? It wasn’t _you_. This morning was amazing. It’s been forever since I’ve touched anyone. Besides, you’re really hot.”

“Oh, you think I’m—?” The tips of Mike’s ears turned pink.

“Yeah, are you kidding me? Have you seen yourself? But, uh, anyway. It was more that I was running from, like, both of you. Together. You and Joel just seem like this perfect couple, and I felt like I had walked into something that was way bigger than me and I was scared I was going to ruin it. Also, I swear I meant to come back, but I got really distracted helping Crow with a play about warts and I lost track of time.”

“Ah, _I Don’t Wanna Hold Your Hand._ I know it well.”

Jonah groaned. “Man, I knew Crow wasn’t casting me for my acting ability. I’m just your understudy!”

Mike laughed, finally sitting down on the bed next to him.

Jonah leaned in and bumped him with his shoulder. “Story of my life, huh?”

“Look, Jonah...” Mike frowned, hovering his hand over Jonah’s thigh for a moment before gripping it gently. “I know you’re just joking, but it’s not like that. Seriously. You’re doing such a great job. I don’t want you to feel like...” He trailed off.

Jonah stared at Mike’s hand on his thigh, feeling his face get warm. “Yeah. I know. Thanks. I’m, uh, in the bad habit of selling myself short, I guess.”

Mike squeezed his leg. “It’s okay. I know it’s not easy.”

“Thanks,” Jonah said again, mouth suddenly dry.

Mike trailed his fingertips along the material of Jonah’s jumpsuit. “I’m sorry for overreacting and moping around,” he said. Then, in a breathier tone: “I’m just kinda—well, it’s stupid.”

Jonah dragged his gaze up to meet Mike’s eyes, all of a sudden struggling to stay focused on the conversation. “No, tell me.”

“Well, I—” Mike hesitated, his fingers still stroking gently along Jonah’s inner thigh. Jonah swallowed, the noise sounding altogether too loud for the moment.

“I was just worried about not being _good_ enough,” Mike said, and he fluttered his lashes, and that was it, Jonah was about to die.

“No, you were, um—that’s, it was—” Jonah stuttered.

Mike burst into laughter.

“What’s so funny?” Jonah said, indignant.

Mike kept laughing. “Boy, it’s easy to rile you up!”

Jonah swatted at Mike’s hand, which was still on his leg. “I was trying to reassure you!”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about _that_ ,” Mike said, still chuckling. “I knew it was good because when Joel walked in on us you looked like you’d seen a ghost, and then you almost tripped over yourself trying to get out.”

Jonah groaned. “Okay, I deserve that. I’m sorry! I’m just not used to the, the open relationship thing.”

“We’re not in an open relationship.”

“Huh? But then why, uh, you know…” Jonah gestured to himself. “This?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

Jonah shook his head. “I don’t get it.”

Mike laughed again. “It’s just you.”

Jonah felt like the whole world had narrowed down to nothing except himself and Mike sitting next to him. “Me?”

“Yeah, you. You’re a tall drink of water, Heston.”

Jonah considered this. “You’re a...slightly shorter drink of water.”

Mike’s hand crept up Jonah’s thigh again. “Wow, careful,” he said. “Someone might mistake that for an attempt at seduction.”

“What if I want someone to mistake it for that?”

“Hmm,” Mike pretended to consider. “I don’t know. I need to ask my _boyfriend_ if he’s okay with that.”

Jonah grinned, and then gave Mike his best sleazy up-and-down _look_ , embracing the bit. “Your boyfriend doesn’t need to know.”

Mike touched a hand to his chest. “Mister _Heston!_ I’m not that kind of girl.”

“Is that so?” Jonah said, leaning in. Despite the fact that they were both seated, he still had a good couple of inches on Mike, and he used it to his advantage, crowding into Mike’s space so that Mike had to tilt his head up in order to look him in the eye. “And what kind of girl are you?”

Before Mike could show him _exactly_ what kind of girl, the door whooshed open to reveal Joel (again), holding three plates of food (again).

“Wow. You’ll never believe it, but I’m having the weirdest sense of déjà vu right now,” Mike said, sounding breathless.

“I brought you dinner, you heathens,” Joel said, but his tone was light. “Talk went well, huh?”

Jonah smiled, the picture of innocence despite the fact that he was still entirely too close to Mike. “Wanna know what we were talking about?”

“ _After_ you finish all of the delicious dinner that your mother prepared for you,” Joel said.

“Okay,” Jonah smirked, “Daddy.”

“Nope, that’s it,” Mike groaned. “This bit is officially out of control.”

Jonah laughed, poking him in the ribs before backing off. “You liked it a little.”

“I plead the fifth,” Mike said, taking a plate from Joel.

“He definitely liked it,” Joel confirmed.

Mike put a hand to his forehead. “Both of you, together, are going to kill me.”

Jonah cracked up.

* * *

“Riddle me this. What’s the most important thing to consider when you’re trying to get a good night’s sleep?” Jonah said, launching into his invention exchange. Joel stood next to him. Tom, Crow, and Mike were all wearing pajamas and laying in sleeping bags on the floor behind them. They also all had electrodes attached to their heads, hooking them up to a screen that displayed their vitals.

“Having Kinga bring me a glass of warm milk?” Max piped up.

Kinga tapped her chin. “Getting Max to finally leave me alone so I can actually relax?”

“No,” Jonah said, then: “Wait, Kinga, you bring Max a glass of warm milk every night before you sleep?”

Kinga scowled. “What, you want one too? Fat chance. Get on with it, Heston.”

Jonah shrugged. “Well, anyway, you’re both wrong. The most important part of getting a good night’s sleep is to hit all four stages of the sleep cycle. So we developed these!” He gestured towards Joel, who held up three plain-looking black sleep masks with headphones attached to them.

“Three plain-looking black sleep masks with headphones attached to them?” Kinga scoffed. “Please.”

“Actually, these may look like three plain-looking black sleep masks with headphones attached to them,” Jonah continued, “and that is indeed what they are. Now, the hardest part of sleeping is actually staying asleep long enough to get all the way through stages one through three and finally reach stage four—REM sleep. That’s when dreams happen.”

“Do androids dream of electric sheep?” Tom asked, voice wistful.

“I dream of Jeannie,” Crow said.

 _“I_ dream of getting through this invention exchange before I literally fall asleep!” Kinga snapped.

“Presenting the R.E.M. sleep mask! You put it on like so—” Jonah turned to show Joel helping Tom, Crow, and Mike put the masks on— “and let the dulcet tones of Michael Stipe whisk you away to dreamland.”

All three started snoring almost immediately.

Jonah studied the readout of their vitals. “They’ve just passed through stage one...stage two...stage three...Aha! Yes! R.E.M. sleep has been achieved in record time!”

“Crow, how’re you doing, honey?” Joel asked, touching Crow on the shoulder.

“I don’t sleep, I dream!”

Jonah clapped his hands together. “See? It works!”

Mike awoke with a yell, pulling the mask off his face and sweating. “I had a nightmare that Michael Stipe was running after me and trying to shave my head!”

“Well,” Jonah shrugged. “Everybody hurts, sometimes.”

Kinga rolled her eyes. “The only ones who are going to be hurting are you bozos, once you see the movie I’ve got in store for you this week.”

Jonah blinked. “Wait. All of us?”

“...Yes? Did I stutter, Heston?”

“No, I just mean—uh, you know there are three of us up here now, right?”

Kinga frowned. “Of course I do. You, Joel, and...Matt.”

Mike lifted a finger, stepping forward to stand next to Joel and Jonah. “Uh, it’s Mike, actually.”

“Didn’t ask, don’t care.”

“Wow, the evil apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, huh?” Joel said.

“Oh, do you think so?” Kinga preened. “Because I try, you know.”

“Kinga, you’re doing great! We _all_ appreciate you! _”_ Max gave a double-thumbs up.

Kinga gritted her teeth, pointedly _not_ looking at Max. “I try _so_ goddamn hard.”

“I try all the time, in this institution,” Tom sang, spinning around to reveal that he was wearing a little He-Man outfit, complete with a little blond wig.

Crow also spun around, revealing the same outfit. “And so I _wake_ in the _morning_ and I _step outside!_ And I take a _deep breath!_ And I get real—”

“Okay, okay, can it, you two. Go put your costumes away and clean up before the movie starts,” Joel said, shooing them away. “Kinga, uh, from where I stand, you’re doing great. Right?” He nudged Jonah.

“Oh, yeah,” Jonah said. “Uh, totally. Being your prisoner is, uh, well, I love to hate it.”

“That’s good,” Kinga said, “Considering you have no choice.” She looked at Joel and Mike. “So. You two worked with my father?”

“Uh, sure,” Mike said, looking at Joel. “Let’s call it that.”

“Well, did either of you ever—you didn’t happen to know my mother, did you?”

Joel and Mike shared another confused look.

“Sorry,” Joel said. “Your mother?”

“Yes? Mother? Person who birthed me? Because Dr. Erhardt told me it was Kim Cattrall, but I haven’t been able to get her to return my messages, and I don’t know if I really trust his intel.”

“Dr. Erhardt told you—? Uh…” Joel looked to Mike for help. Mike shrugged. Joel looked at Jonah. Jonah shrugged. Joel sighed.

“Kinga,” he said. “Um. I’m pretty sure Kim Cattrall isn’t your mom?”

She groaned. “Ugh! I knew it!”

“No, I mean, you don’t have a mom,” Joel tried.

Kinga paced, throwing her hands in the air. “I _know_ that! But if I can just find out who—”

“No, I mean,” Joel interrupted. “It’s—uh—you have two dads?”

Kinga stopped in her tracks. “I have two...dads?”

“She has two dads?” Max echoed, confused. He looked from Kinga, to Joel, and back again.

Joel tilted his head to the side. “Yeah, Dr. F and TV’s Frank.” Mike nodded in agreement.

“But how—who—where did I— _Frank?”_

Joel bit his lip. “I mean, I’m not sure I should really be the one to tell you, but since he’s...uh, well, since he’s not here, and you’re his kid, I guess it’s okay. Um, so he had some of his eggs frozen, before his other procedures, and they were working on a Miracle Baby Growth Formula that was a bit off but they must have eventually gotten it right and uh—well, I mean, you’re here now, so...yeah.”

“Oh...my god,” Kinga said, the simple reality of it finally hitting her.

“Wait, so that makes Kinga my sister?” Max said, scrunching up his nose.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Kinga said again. “No. You’re a clone. Maybe. It’s not the same. Ugh. I feel like I need to rethink my entire life.”

“I mean, not really,” Joel said. “Sometimes people are trans.”

 _”That’s_ not the part I need to rethink,” Kinga said, massaging her temples. “It’s the part where Max and I apparently _share DNA_. Gross! At least I clearly got the looks. And the brains. And, well, everything really.” She stopped and squinted at Joel. “How do you know so much stuff about my dad, anyway?”

“Ah. Hmm. Yeah,” Joel said, nodding.

Kinga blinked at him. “That didn’t answer my question at all.”

Jonah saw Joel’s face and ears become very slightly pink. “Oh, I, uh. I knew him for a long time.”

“Yeah, you were his _test subject._ That doesn’t really explain—”

Joel cleared his throat. “I mean I _knew_ him,” he said, well and truly blushing now, “from before, uh. Before the experiment.”

Kinga closed her mouth, opened it to say something else, then thought better of it and closed it again. Jonah looked at Mike, who spread his hands in a sort of _Hey,_ _I don’t know, man_ gesture, and decided it was time to change the subject.

“I appreciate the fact that we’re all, uh, learning new things here,” Jonah said, “but I’m still kind of confused about why Joel and Mike are up here to begin with?”

“Yeah, I was wondering the same thing myself,” Mike said, slinging an arm around Joel’s shoulders. “We were pretty comfy, you know, at home, uh, not being trapped indefinitely in space. I feel like we kinda did this whole thing already.”

“Yes!” Kinga brightened, flapping one hand. “Well, isn’t it obvious?”

Jonah frowned. “Uh...no, not really?”

Kinga rolled her eyes. “The _ratings,”_ she said. When that didn’t get any response, she sighed, launching into a longer explanation. “Look, if there are two things people want from contemporary television, it’s nostalgia and romance. I mean, just look at Twin Peaks fans.”

Jonah glanced at Mike and Joel. “We’re not exactly Twin Peaks, Kinga.”

“We’re more like Wet Hot American Summer,” Mike supplied. “In the sequel where they all come back and they’re, like, kind of old but pretending that they’re not?”

“We’re not _old,”_ Joel said.

“Well, I’m not twenty-nine anymore,” Mike said.

“Look,” Kinga said, “The _important_ part is that the two of you are _here._ For the nostalgia.”

“Okay, sure, I guess that makes sense,” Jonah said. “And I feel like I’m going to regret asking this, but where does the, uh, the romance come in, exactly?”

Kinga clapped her hands together. “I am _so_ glad you asked. The added romantic tension of you being surrounded by older, experienced men who have shared your traumas is going to drive you absolutely mad with unbridled longing. Plus, the fact that you all have to watch bad movies together is going to encourage, uh, male bonding or something. And you’re trapped in close quarters with not enough beds. Blah blah blah. Science words. You’re gay, you can put it together,” she said.

Jonah put his face in his hands.

“Wow, Jonah’s gay?” Mike said. “I had no idea.”

“Guess we really have to step up our seduction game now, huh,” Joel said, completely serious. “Wouldn’t wanna tank the ratings. Gotta capture that _unbridled longing.”_

Jonah was never going to take his face out of his hands and, in fact, was going to live out the rest of his natural life right there on the bridge with his face covered so that he wouldn’t ever have to look at anyone again.

“So! Mark and Joel! Sorry not sorry, you’re going to be here for a while. Hope those sleeping quarters are nice and cozy. Let me know if I can send you anything. Those little travel size shampoo bottles, airplane peanuts, extra lube, whatever,” Kinga said, sounding way too excited about the state of things.

Jonah decided that as soon as he could get away, he was going to eject himself out into the vacuum of space. “Hey, Kinga? Do you have a movie for us to watch, or what?” he said, voice muffled by his hands.

“Oh! I almost forgot.” Kinga put her hands on her hips. “Well, I was going to give you one, but after today’s _enlightening_ conversation, I think I want to take some me time. Do a bath bomb...call Grandma Pearl and start a blood feud...light some incense. You know. Self care.” She smiled at Joel and Mike. “Consider it the calm before the storm.”

“I, also, would like to do self care,” Max piped up.

“Well, too bad,” Kinga snapped. “The Moon 14 holding tank room needs cleaning.”

Max groaned. “Triceratops dung duty _again?”_

“Listen, _Max,_ if we fail the health inspection a second time, so help me—”

“We didn’t _fail,_ the health inspector got eaten by an allosaurus, that’s not the same as _failing!”_

“Oh, you think if he survived he would have given us an A? Get real!” Kinga said. “Now go clean!”

Max scurried away.

“Enjoy your freedom while you can, Jonah Heston and friends,” Kinga sing-songed. “Because next week you’ll be in for a world of pain!” With that, her image vanished in a flurry of bubbles.

Jonah closed his eyes, letting his breath out in a hard exhale. He felt a hand at his back and another reaching around his waist. He opened his eyes as Joel and Mike leaned into him.

“Okay there, big guy?” Mike asked, rubbing a thumb over Jonah’s shoulder blade.

“Yeah,” Jonah said. “I’m okay. I’m sorry that you both have to be stuck up here.”

Joel gave him a squeeze. “It’s not that bad. We survived it once.”

“Right, which is why you shouldn’t have to go through it a second time.”

Jonah felt Joel’s shoulders rise and fall as he shrugged. “We’ll manage.”

“Yeah,” Mike said, squeezing Jonah’s shoulder. “And no matter what happens, at least no one’s alone. We have each other.”

“Hey! Don’t forget us!” GPC said, gliding down from the ceiling to rest her chin lightly against the top of Jonah’s head. Cambot beeped in agreement.

Servo floated in and flung himself into Jonah’s arms. “Me too!”

Behind him, Crow crossed his arms. “Not me. I don’t owe you people anything.”

“Crow! Be nice, we’re having a family moment with Jonah,” Joel admonished.

“You’re not my real father!” Crow said. But he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around everyone anyway.

Despite everything, Jonah felt a warmth blooming in his chest that he hadn’t felt in a long time. Joel had been half-joking, but he was right—they were family. Just thinking about it made Jonah go weak in the knees. He closed his eyes and tried to commit the feeling to memory.

* * *

“So Mike and Joel are staying? For the foreseeable future?” Tom Servo swiveled, his hands flapping.

“That’s right, mister,” Joel put an arm around him, patting his shoulder. “So you two had better behave.”

“Well, Joel, I think you’ll find that Servo and I have been nothing but perfect angels, and I for one am offended by your implication,” Crow said. 

Joel rolled his eyes. “I see. So we’re ignoring the fact that you’ve already put saran wrap on our toilet? Twice?”

“That’s not our fault!”

“Yeah!” Servo piped up. “The second time was only meant for Mike!”

“Hey!” Mike interjected. “Whaddya mean? Why me? Besides, you know we all share the bathroom!”

“Yeah, but Mike, you _always_ wake up early to pee. How were we supposed to know that Jonah would try to drink an entire gallon of milk in one go and then have to barf!”

Jonah put a hand on his stomach. “Don’t remind me.”

Servo‘s arms clattered at his sides. “Jonah, I agree that the events of that night were certainly unfortunate, but Crow and I have conducted an internal investigation and found that, ultimately, we aren’t at fault.”

“Yeah,” Crow said. “If anyone’s to blame here, it’s Mike.”

“What?” Mike spluttered. “How? It was obviously your fault!”

“Yeah, right,” Crow scoffed.

“He’s right, Mike, that’ll never hold up in court.”

Joel put his hands up. “Alright, now look, can we just agree on no more toilet pranks?”

“Please,” Jonah groaned.

Tom and Crow looked at each other, then at Joel. “Okay, Scout’s honor,” Servo promised.

“Tom Servo, you don’t have fingers.”

“Well, nothing for it, guess you’ll just have to believe me.”

“Hmm. Okay, but no funny business.” Joel turned to look at Crow. “Anything to add?”

Crow looked from Joel to Mike to Jonah, and then back to Joel. “I can give you toilets, but no promises on showers and you may see an uptick in kitchens as a result.”

Joel considered it. “I can live with that. Jonah?”

“No shower pranks, and I’ll give you a new speech program that has archaic curse words.”

“Deal!”

With that, Crow and Tom whizzed off together down the hall, shouting at each other in old English.

Mike watched them go, then cleared his throat. “Well, fellas, if it’s all the same to you, I’m gonna go sleep through a couple of Star Trek reruns. Don’t wait up.” He winked at Jonah and then leaned in so Joel could kiss his cheek.

Joel turned to Jonah with a grin. “Wanna go to bed?”

Jonah laughed, caught a bit off guard. “It’s really that easy with you, huh?”

Mike clapped Jonah on the shoulder. “Let me be the first to tell you, it really is that easy with him.”

Joel waggled his eyebrows for full effect.

“First of all, I hate that that’s working on me,” Jonah said.

“And second of all?” Joel asked.

Jonah just shook his head.

“Alright, already! Get outta here, you two,” Mike said, shooing them away. “Jeez!”

Joel grabbed Jonah’s hand with a laugh and started leading him down the hall. Jonah’s heart skipped a beat, and he let Joel tug him along, feeling the warmth of anticipation wash over him.

Joel stopped at the door to the bedroom. “Alright,” he said. “After you.”

“Thanks.” Jonah slipped past Joel, hitting the light switch as he entered.

Joel plopped down on the edge of the bed, taking off his shoes. “Nice place you got here,” he deadpanned, leaning back and propping himself up on his elbows.

“Yeah, it’s alright,” Jonah said, his mouth dry. “Think I like it better with you in it.”

“Wow, you don’t have to lay it on that heavy. I was already getting undressed.”

“Hey, a guy can’t flirt?”

Joel smirked. “Only if he follows through.”

“Ha,” Jonah said. “I think I can manage.”

Joel unzipped his jumpsuit down to his waist, and pulled his shirt over his head. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Jonah said, taking the opportunity to totally check Joel out. Joel, for his part, seemed to enjoy the attention.

“Like what you see?”

Jonah decided to just go for broke. “Can I eat you out?”

Joel was silent for a moment, and then he stood, shucking his jumpsuit the rest of the way off so that he stood before Jonah in only his socks and his boxers, and it was like Jonah had died and gone to heaven. He put his hands on Joel’s shoulders, pushing gently to get him to sit down on the edge of the bed. Joel complied, and Jonah knelt down in front of him, placing his hands on Joel’s hips. He hooked his fingers into the waistband of Joel’s underwear.

“Is this okay? Can I take your boxers off?”

Joel nodded. “Yeah, go for it.”

“Sweet,” Jonah said, and he did, sliding them off and tossing them aside. He unzipped his own jumpsuit just enough so he could touch himself. Joel reached a hand out and tangled it in Jonah’s hair, his movements languid.

Jonah leaned in, pressing a kiss to the inside of Joel’s thigh. He nuzzled against the short, coarse hairs that covered Joel’s pubic mound, inhaling Joel’s scent. Almost without thinking, Jonah kissed the tip of Joel’s dick, causing Joel to jump like he’d been shocked.

“Sorry,” Jonah laughed. “Couldn’t help myself.”

Joel just smiled a crooked little smile and rubbed Jonah’s cheek with the pad of his thumb. Jonah took that as permission to continue, and after a moment of consideration, began licking into him in earnest. Joel tasted of musk and a little bit of sweat, almost-but-not-quite bitter. Jonah pulled Joel towards him, using a gentle hand on his calf to guide Joel’s legs up over his shoulders.

For the most part, Joel was quiet, letting out a shuddering sigh every now and then. Jonah considered Joel’s dick, breathing out onto it gently before sucking it into his mouth. Joel said _Huh!_ and that was all, but Jonah could tell it was good from the way Joel’s hands clenched and unclenched, fingers scrabbling against his scalp. He flattened his tongue, lapping at Joel’s dick, occasionally breaking the pattern to lick a long stripe from bottom to top.

“So fucking hot,” he muttered against Joel. Jonah pressed a finger against his hole. “Can I?”

“I don’t know,” Joel teased. “Can you?”

Jonah snorted, rolling his eyes. “Yeah. I’m gonna need a yes or no.” He rubbed his finger up and down for emphasis.

Joel lifted his hips, trying to thrust forward. “Very gentlemanly of you. _Yes,_ please and thank you.”

“No, thank you,” Jonah said, even though his finger was already pressing inside and Joel wasn’t really listening.

“You know, I really want to fuck you,” Joel said casually, like Jonah wasn’t currently three knuckles deep inside of him.

Jonah, for his part, choked a little bit. He pulled away, breathing hard. Joel propped himself up on his elbows, raising an eyebrow at him.

“I _really_ want to take you up on that,” Jonah said, “but—uh, I’m not prepped, I wasn’t really thinking about—uh. Next time, though?”

Joel ruffled Jonah’s hair. “Deal.”

“Uh, so…can I keep going, or…?”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry.”

“I mean, you don’t have to apologize, I’m the one sucking your dick,” Jonah said, tone light.

Joel laughed, but abruptly cut himself off with a sharp inhale as Jonah swirled his tongue over his dick.

Joel laid back down to give Jonah better access, crossing his legs loosely at the ankle where they rested on Jonah’s back.

Jonah groaned against him, reaching down to stroke his own dick with the hand not currently inside Joel.

“I’m close,” Joel said.

Jonah turned his head to kiss Joel’s inner thigh in response before returning to his previous pace, feeling the way Joel’s body steadily approached climax: his hands clenching and unclenching in the sheets, little hiccups in his breath, his walls tightening around Jonah’s fingers.

Joel came without a sound, just a long exhale as he clenched his legs, holding Jonah in place. Jonah fucked him through it, and when Joel uncrossed his ankles, he stopped. Joel sat up as Jonah pulled back, satisfied.

“Good?” Jonah asked, wiping his face on his t-shirt.

“Good,” Joel confirmed. He leaned forward, placing his hands on either side of Jonah’s face to pull him into a deep kiss. When they broke apart, Jonah was panting and red-faced. _“Really_ good,” Joel said, smirking.

Jonah reached down, giving himself a couple quick strokes. “I want to—um, can we—” He took a deep breath. “So are you, like, exclusively a top, or...?”

Joel laughed, scooting back on the bed. “Y’know, if you want to fuck me, you can just ask.”

Jonah’s breath caught a little. “Can I? Also you’re _really_ really hot.”

“Yeah. C’mere.” Joel spread his legs, patting the bed between them.

Jonah stood, pulled his jumpsuit all the way off, threw his shirt and underwear to the ground, and climbed onto the bed. He leaned in for a kiss as he rubbed a hand over Joel’s folds, which were still wet. Joel shifted slightly at his touch.

“You ready? Or d’you think you need more prep?” Jonah asked. “I mean, it’s not like I’m _that_ big, but…”

“Mm. No, it’s fine,” Joel said. “Go ahead.”

Jonah pushed in slowly, and bottomed out with a little gasp. Joel laughed.

“You good?” Jonah asked.

“Yeah, fine. How are _you?”_

Jonah closed his eyes. “Not gonna lie, a little overwhelmed? But, like, I mean that in the best possible way.”

Joel reached up, rubbing Jonah’s cheek. “Think you can move for me?”

Jonah opened his eyes to meet Joel’s gaze. He nodded, and Joel moved his hand to rest on Jonah’s back. Jonah took a deep breath and pulled out, slowly, before pushing back in with a groan.

“You feel _so fucking good,”_ Jonah said.

“Jonah,” Joel said, voice patient, “You’re very sweet, but if you don’t pick up the pace I’m gonna go and watch Star Trek with Mike.”

Jonah huffed. _“Some of us_ haven’t had sex in a long time, _Joel.”_

Joel patted Jonah’s back. “Well, some of us need to move faster before I die of horny.”

Jonah complied, speeding up his thrusts. “I literally _just_ made you cum, I think you’re gonna pull through.”

“Sure, but don’t you think it’s better to err on the side of caution?”

“Joel?”

“Uh huh?”

“Stop talking,” Jonah said, catching his stride and suddenly thrusting into Joel fast and hard.

Joel’s eyes slid shut, mouth falling open in a little _O._

There was a knock at the door then, and Mike entered the room, looking sheepish.

“Mike’s here,” Jonah grunted, not slowing down.

“Hi, honey,” Joel said cheerfully.

“Hi,” Mike said. “Wow. Uh, room for one more?”

Joel squeezed Jonah’s shoulder. Jonah finally slowed down, pulling out with a sigh before he turned to Mike with a little wave.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Mike said, “but I was thinking about you two, wondering what you were getting up to, and...well, honestly, I was just gonna rub one out on my own, but Crow and Servo have been running around and I didn’t want them to walk in on me. Also, I think Crow might have kicked down the door to one of the storage rooms, someone should probably check on that later.”

“You know what they say,” Joel said, eyes sparkling as he pushed himself up on his elbows. “Two’s company, three’s even more company.”

“I don’t think that’s quite how that one goes,” Mike said, stepping out of his jumpsuit and draping it over a chair. “But I appreciate the sentiment. Where do you want me?”

Joel looked at Jonah. “What do you think?”

“Actually…” Jonah said. “I kind of want to suck your dick? And by kind of I mean definitely. I definitely want to do that.”

Mike nodded solemnly. “I would be somewhat, and by somewhat I mean very, amenable to that.”

Joel nudged Jonah with his knee. “Switch with me.”

Jonah complied, letting Joel stand before placing his glasses carefully on the bedside table and taking his place, laying the wrong way so that his head was hanging off the foot of the bed. He lifted his arms, gesturing towards Mike and Joel.

Joel gave Mike a peck on the lips before returning to the bed, straddling Jonah. “Good?”

Jonah placed his hands on Joel’s hips, rubbing over Joel’s hipbone with his thumb. He nodded.

Joel gave Jonah’s dick a couple strokes before sinking down onto it with a sigh. He let his eyes drift shut as he waited for Mike to get into position.

“You alright?” Mike asked, cupping Jonah’s cheek with one hand.

Jonah smiled up at him. “Never better.”

Mike stepped forward, groaning when Jonah took him into his mouth. “Wow. Okay.”

Jonah reached up to touch Mike’s thigh in acknowledgement, pulling him in closer.

“For the record, this is really hot,” Joel informed the room. He leaned back a little, lifting one hand to rub at his dick without breaking his rhythm.

“Fuck, Jonah, I’m—I’m pretty close,” Mike said, and Jonah tapped the back of Mike’s leg in acknowledgement. “Oh—oh fuck, yeah—nngh—fuck!”

Jonah held onto Mike’s leg as he came, keeping him in place and swallowing around him as best he could. After a few seconds, Mike put a hand on Jonah’s shoulder and stepped back, breathing heavily but flashing the thumbs up.

Jonah wiped his mouth before returning his hand to Joel’s hip, continuing to fuck him as he grinned up at Mike. “Good to know I’ve still got it.”

“Mm. Was it ever in doubt?” Joel asked him as Mike gave a sheepish laugh.

“Well, a little,” Jonah said. “Considering that until very recently the only people I’ve gotten to interact with on a regular basis are Kinga and Max. I mean, I guess the Skeleton Crew is around too, but I think that’d be taking ‘boning’ a little too literally for me.”

“Ha. Yeah, but, you know, it’s like riding a bicycle,” Joel said, thoughtful. Mike moved to sit on the bed next to them, leaning down to kiss Jonah before pulling back and stroking a hand over Joel’s chest. “Fuck, that’s good. Right there, Jonah. Yeah.”

Jonah laughed, adjusting his angle slightly to better accommodate Mike. “Easy for you to say, you’re the one doing the riding. I think in this equation I’m the bicycle.”

Mike snorted at that, shaking his head. “Look, you’ve got nothing to worry about. I feel like I need to sleep for a week. Honestly, it’s a miracle I’m not catatonic right now.”

“Yeah, and trust me, when he says catatonic, he _means_ it,” Joel confirmed. Mike made an offended sound, but let his hand trail down to meet Joel’s and then replace it, grinding against the head of Joel’s dick.

“That was one time!” Mike said, “I _told_ you I didn’t mean to miss Servo’s choir doing Battle of the Bands. Which they won, by the way,” he added, for Jonah’s benefit.

“Yeah,” Joel groaned, “No thanks to you. _Please_ touch me more.”

“Gee, I don’t know, you were kinda mean to me just now,” Mike said lightly, pretending to deliberate. “Jonah? Whaddya think, does he deserve it?”

Jonah gave a hard thrust, making Joel groan again and bite his lip. “Look at him. You’re gonna say no to that?”

“Hmm. Good point,” Mike said, pressing down on Joel’s dick and rubbing his fingers in a tight circle.

“Yeah, c’mon, c’mon,” Joel said, panting. “So close, fuck—” His whole body tensed, and he came, canting his hips forward and trying to press closer to Mike’s hand. After a few seconds, Joel relaxed and started to rock his hips again.

“Your turn,” he said to Jonah. Mike laid back to watch, putting his arms behind his head.

“You sure?” Jonah asked.

Joel fixed him with a _look._ Jonah laughed and then sat up, holding onto Joel to keep him from losing his balance.

Joel put his arms around Jonah’s neck and crossed his legs behind Jonah. “Yeah. That’s it,” he said, encouraging him. “You’re doing great.”

Jonah sped up at his words, then leaned in and mouthed at Joel’s neck. The deeper angle had him nearly on the edge. “Joel,” he said urgently, “Is it okay if—”

“Uh huh,” Joel said, closing his eyes, serene.

“Okay. Okay. Oh fuck,” Jonah said. He felt the tension in his body mounting, and mounting, and mounting—and then finally it peaked, and he spilled into Joel with a loud groan.

Joel reached down to press his fingers to his dick, and after a few seconds of furious jerking off he came for the third time, gasping as he felt Jonah twitch inside him.

They sat there, entwined, just catching their breath. Joel looked thoughtful, and opened his mouth to say something—but was interrupted by a sudden loud snore. Jonah jumped a little, and both of them turned to look at Mike, who was already asleep. Mike, blissfully unaware, made another sound like a foghorn.

Joel laughed, then tapped Jonah on the back and uncrossed his legs. Jonah pulled out slowly, appreciating the subsequent slow drip of cum down Joel’s leg. Then he stood up to look for an old shirt to wipe them both down, leaving Joel to arrange himself comfortably around Mike.

Jonah wiped himself off, then leaned over to clean up Joel, who had pulled Mike’s arm over his waist. Jonah moved to reach between his legs, but Joel stopped him with a shake of his head.

“Leave it,” Joel said, yawning. “I promise I’ll help change the sheets tomorrow. Now get in here and cuddle, mister, that’s an order.”

“Okay.” Jonah couldn’t help his smile as he threw the shirt down, turned off the light, and got into bed. He slung an arm over Joel’s midriff, just above Mike’s.

“That was really fun,” Joel said, already sounding sleepy.

“It was,” Jonah agreed. “And, uh—thanks.”

“Huh? For the sex? You’re welcome.”

Jonah squeezed him gently. “That too. But actually, I meant, like...thanks for being here. I know you didn’t ask for it, and I know it’s probably not great for your mental health, but, uh—having you and Mike here gives me a lot of hope, you know?”

Joel furrowed his brow. “Hope?”

“Yeah, just like...” Jonah said, eyes flicking up as he searched for the words. “Like, no matter what happens—whether I’m stuck up here for the rest of my life or if I ever manage to get back to Earth or what—I’ll always have this. Thanks for—for making me feel like I belong.”

“Oh,” Joel said, sounding surprised. “Well, you _do_ belong. You’re one of us.” He reached up to pat Jonah’s forearm.

“Mm.” Jonah yawned. “Man. I want to remember this forever.”

“You know, I think I saw a Polaroid somewhere in one of the storage piles.”

Jonah snorted. “Yeah, or I could just use my phone.”

Joel’s smile was visible even in the dark of the room. “That works, too.”

Mike let out another ear-splittingly loud snore, and Joel and Jonah both froze, then dissolved into peals of laughter. Mike stirred at the sound. “Wha…?”

“Night, Mike!” Jonah said.

“Sweet dreams!” Joel added.

Mike groaned. “I hate you both,” he said, and rolled over.

“Love you too, honey,” Joel said, closing his eyes and burrowing deeper into the blankets.

Jonah listened to the sound of Joel’s breaths as they evened out and overlapped with Mike’s, which were punctuated by the occasional snore. He registered a sudden faraway crashing sound that was, presumably, the bots getting into trouble again—or maybe Growler was playing some free jazz? Either way, he couldn’t find it within himself to be annoyed. If it _was_ Growler, he didn’t have to worry. If it was the bots, well...dealing with the cleanup would be a problem for Future Jonah (and Future Mike, and Future Joel) to handle. 

For now, Jonah was content to lie there, tangled comfortably with Joel and Mike. Life was hard and weird and unpredictable, sure. But...life would be hard and weird and unpredictable even if he’d never landed on Moon 13 to begin with.

 _All in all,_ Jonah thought, listening to the distant sound of GPC descending from the ceiling to squabble with Crow and Servo, _this is pretty nice._

**Author's Note:**

> ive been working on this fic, on and off, since june 2017--the last time i wrote mst3k fanfiction was over a decade ago, when i was a young teen posting on ff.net. this fic started as a personal mission to write serious joikah (joel/mike/jonah) fic and became essentially my love letter to mst3k fandom and all the joike fics that came before.
> 
> if you havent already read them on here, please check out [the time traveler's boyfriend by square pudding](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2376446/chapters/5249039) and [the human experience by berlynn_wohl](https://archiveofourown.org/works/281543)\--there are a few shoutouts to both those fics (and some other old faves) in mine. this fic and its title are also a huge homage to my all-time favorite joike fic (which is one from the old mst3k slash livejournal and/or quite possibly the yahoo group iirc so i dont know if its still possible to track it down), experiment 209: an unusual satellite tale, by piig aka mith-maulin (who used to manage the joike group on deviantart, too). piig, if youre out there...i owe you my life
> 
> anyway, really i wrote this fic for myself, but i hope you liked it, too. please leave a comment and let me know! it would mean the world.
> 
> you can find me on tumblr [here.](https://jouglat.tumblr.com/)
> 
> keep circulating the tapes!


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